First time in a long time

Sometimes there are some things that i just want to post on my blog but when i get to typing it i just cant get the words out right.

So basically this is what i wanna say... I've not been happy as of late. Why? is it ok if i say i dont really know?  Cuz i dont really know.  Now this is the part where all of you go , "eeewwwww! EMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But whatever.  I guess thats why i dont really wanna tell people about this cuz i know that's what they are gonna say.

So this is what's up.  First of all, i have to pick ministries.  Ate Chette kinda wants people to focus on just 2. and at first i found that stupid cuz i like being in 4, but the more im looking at it, i see that i cant focus on all of the ministries i am in.  For sure, i'm staying with missions.  For Fellowship, It's my favorite ministry. I love it.  The way things work. The people.  It's so cool. But the Worship team is somewhere i've always wanted to be.  I want to lead people in worship. I got the oppertunity to do it last year and it was so good.  The thing is, i've been a trainee for ober a year and i'm thinking they dont really need me.  I'm not good at playing... im just ok.  Well the fellowship team doesnt really need me either. :( I dont know what to do.

Then there's this whole liking someone thingy.  That its like i wanted so badly to be over the feeling of liking someone cuz i was tired of getting all crazy over it. and then when the feeling was gone, i missed it. really bad.  There's no one that i like like. no one that makes my day seem brighter and more worth living. no one that i can pour out all my "niceness" on. No one that i want to make happy. Now, i dont really have someone i like. and i guess i dont wanna like anyone unless i have a good reason to. and at this point i dont have a good reason to.  Like i dont want a shallow reason. I've been through that before.  It's fun in the begining but if i didnt learn anything from my past mistakes, then that's stupid.  So i want to like someone for a good reason. But i dont have one yet so i dont want to like anyone yet.  But it's sad cuz i want to. Am i making sence?

SOmething that really bothers me is when people make liking a girl into a game.  Like they play around with it and play around with her.  I hate it when that happens.  I also hate it when people like other people for stupid reasons. sorry but i do.  Buz it's not a game when people start getting hurt.

Today, I saw many people that i wanted to see. I thought i'd be happy after this but i'm not. Its hard for me to talk to people lately.

Ok, actually i know why i feel this way. i havent been doing my QT lately so i'm feeling prertty far from God. I know He's always with me, but i'm not always with Him. Like i cant really hear Him as of lately. And i dont know why i havent been doing my QT cuz i know i should be.

I guess i've hit another point in my life where i have to stop feeling bad for myself and pull things together.  It's just hard to cuz i feel like i wanna give up for a while and just stay defeated before i jump back in the game. But i cant do that! I'm gonna start trying to fix things tomorrow. Hopefully the new day will bring new joys.

"Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new" - Every New Day by Five Iron Frenzy