All time low

Ok. So ive been at this low for quite some time now. It all came when i doubted my calling from God. ever since then we havent been that close. I know i was wrong to doubt and ive come back to him already tho.

Then i got jealous of maow. Cuz people keep saying he's gwapo and yeah i know. Im not. whatever. Stop rubbing it in my face for my whole life that im fat and he's gwapo. Its not fun. I hate it. It doesnt help that all the pretty girls at camp bonded with him too. it doesnt help that things always turn out so freakin well for him and his girls.

Then there the worship team crap. the whole, band whatevers. at first i thought my band wasnt so good and that maow got a good band. then just when i was ok with it maow gets the camp band. the most freakin awesome band ever. even worse is they sound frakin awesome. they bonded super. i tagged alone. stupid matt.

then camp happend. yey. all my best friends had the best time in the world without me. congratz.

then didi fell for jasper. yey. things keep getting better. once again i lose to some guy who i think doesnt ever deserve a girl. yet he gets one of the best. thanks a lot. i guess it goes back to me being a loser.

and yes im immature and do stupid things. i did something very stupid today.

then yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh i cried and stuff again. i cant fix my life. venting doesnt help anymore. no matter how many times i say i want to kick a certain someone's ass it doesnt help.

my ministry sucks. i always get left out. my bro gets everything i ever wanted in life. and im a loser. this is awesome.

i hate my life. i hate that i feel this way.


AJSDKL:FADSHDJASDJKASHDUWHAEFJEJI if i just had something i could smash then i would. im tired of getting hurt and of hurting myself. im tired. i want to go home to heaven. i want to stop na. please. time out muna.

Im a great leader for MT right? this mess of a guy. screw school tomorrow. screw everything cuz i dont know what to do. im not happy anymore but then again life isnt about being happy. so i just need to suck it up and remember that pain is a part of life. STUPID MATT. YOU ARE STUPID. venting doesnt help so why do i vent? cuz im stupid. im a stupid loser. and the only thing i can do is be hard on myself because everything im feeling is just me and is my fault. and im gonna lose all my friends cuz im so depressing to be with. i cant even share this with my closest friends or family.