Late nights and troubled thoughts (sounds like a dashboard confessional song! hahah)

It's hard to be looked up to when your life really isn't that great.  Like i know that there are some people who look up to me in some ways. maybe it's because i'm realy involved in `the ministry or because i'm just older than them. But it's hard to hear people tell me that i am a great guy because i dont think i am.  I know everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, but i still see all my flaws all the time.  And i kick myself for making mistakes that shouldn't be made.  Like forgetting to write something for the missions team. Or rushing to prepare for a meeting.  Or even screwing up the chords during praise and worship. Or maybe it's the fact that i can't sing but i'm still leading praise and worship at our meetings.  I'm probably distracting everyone.  That's why i've been standing in the back a lot lately during services. Even if i'm not ushering. it's because i know i sing loud and i dont wanna mess up anyone that hears me.

But anyway, God' been telling me that it's ok that i mess up. It's ok that i feel down sometimes.  But He is always there to pick me up. And it is not me who does these things in the ministry, it is Him. It is through Him that i do these.  Because i am nothing, i am a nothing that God was gracious enough to use for His work.  It's ok to feel like you can't do anything on your own, because you CAN"T. I cant either.  But through God we have the power to do what is right.  He is alwyas here with us.

Yes, i am imperfect. Yes, I screw up a lot, and i may be too shy to step up sometimes], but God wants to use me.  And I'm giving Him my best. 

So don't look up to me.  I'm nothing. It's all God.

maybe

maybe she's notice me if i were different

maybe she'd notice me if i were more outgoing

maybe she'd notice me if i were seriously hurting

maybe she'd notice me if i were gone

maybe she'd notice me if i weren't me

maybe she'd notice me if i were saki

maybe she'd notice me if i were johann

maybe she'd notice me if i were ian

maybe she'd notice me if i were sean

maybe she'd notice me i could just tell her

maybe she'd notice me if i were more of someone worthwhile talking to

maybe she'll never notice me because i am me

maybe...

 

yeah, Angel. you are the only one who can see this.

Dang, she chatted with johann for 6 frickin' hours.

16 almost 17

If maturity is supposed to come with age, then why am i still so immature?  I wish i could grow up already and do things right, and feel what i know i'm supposed to be feeling. Maybe even act on it if i were ready.  But i'm not... and even if i were... well... let's just leave it at i'm not ready.  I'm just worried that someone else will be ready first.

 

BTW, Only a few people can see this post.

just read this if you wanna (it's long though)

At the start of this weekend, i felt really bad.  I went to AG on friday expecting.. well... AG.  But what did i get? It was a rushed 5 minute AG cuz the bands needed to practice.  Then i see Saki and he goes up to Dave. Saki says, "Dave! Did you get my text? we want you to play on sunday. YOu can just join our practice tomorrow. And i just need you to do the strumming, not lead"

That kinda pissed me off cuz i've been waiting forever to play, and now that there is an opening, dave gets it. Am i not good enough? Did i suck that badly during the one and only shot i got at playing? maybe i did, but that's in the past and i can't change that.  It also kinda makes me mad that jason and jasper get to play so often. It's just cuz they're good.  That's it.  It's not about fair shots or getting your chance to serve God, it's just "we will use you if you are good". 

So then, i go to mcdo and hang out with maow and mark cuz we are waiting for micah's practice to finish.  I texted some people cuz i was really mad and hated myself again.  Angel was practicing, so i texted jeff and najee.  I think just najee replied.  So she was sorta helping me but at one point she stopped replying.  again another let down.  She bailed on me.  She didn't care for me as much as i thought she did. that's the way i was thinking at the time. so then i was more angry and more hating myself because i actually thought i could turn to this person for help, but i was wrong.

After practice, i texted angel.  She was able to help me out a bit.  She actually told me exactly what i needed to hear at that time.  Which was: "Youre a friend, that's what we do, lean."

 

Saturday rolls around and i'm at a channels meeting.  Najee shows up and she told me that she didn't bail on me the night before. just her phone is messing up.  But she wrote a text and let me read it anyway.  It basically said that sometimes we focus on the wrong things. So i thought again, What am i focusing on? is it God?

Sunday, i attended the praise and worship of the 11am and the vesper.  sat away from everyone so that i could really focus on God. 

Seans prayer at 11 really struck me.  He said, "God, we are nothing, and without you we can do nothing. and sometimes we forget that and we focus on our own strength"

I sat down while the others were standing at vesper.  I just put my head down so i could sing loud and i wouldn't disturb others.  I could hear my voice. it sucked. But God isn't listening to my voice.  Some of the lyrics really got to me. "Jesus, oh you are my treasure."  If Jesus is really my treasure, i should treat Him like it and not put Him off. "So i look to you. No one else will do." No one else will do... so i should stop focusing on everyone else. Jesus is the only one that will provide me true happiness, an everlasting joy. I actually cried a bit too.

After the P&W at vesper, i just went out and prayed and read my bible. I had already attended the service during the 8:30.  The verses i read was in 2 corinthians. It was saying something like we should give up all our sin to God and that he will be the one to help us.  It got me thinking that i've been relying on myself for everything: To prepare for meetings, to be the best i can be, to be noticed by certain people, trying to forgive some people... to much focus on me and others.

1 year i've been a trainee for the worship team. once i got to play.  At camp, i ain't graduating like angel and the others did last year.  But i guess it's ok. 

I need to keep on trusting God. That's the hard part, is not forgeting.

Camp song at Revive! exactly what i need right now...

"You're the love that never fails,

and the Saviour who died for me

Still i turn away keep running away,

only to run back to Your arms.

I take refuge in Your embrace.

Now forever I am changed.

Cuz through You're love anf through You're grace,

I am strong, I am strong

 

Cuz You're love sets me free

and Your Word is the air i breathe

and now this heart of mine

through You is revived (2x)

 

From my tears i drowned You are the one that reached for me

and now this heart of mine, beats for You alone.

Jesus, for You alone"

+ - / x

Ok, for the first time in my life, i cannot understand what i am studying in matH! grrrrrr.  I'm gonna have to continue it tomorrow when someone can help me :(  i hate parabolas.  I dont know why i cant understand it.  It's like either my mind just comprehend it at the moment, or they explained it wrong (probably the first) oh well.  I know math is supposed to be crazily hard, but it's never been this hard before. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh.

 

Listening to boyband music. hehehe.  Nsync, backstreet boys, o-town.  Only now i am getting the meaning of some of the songs.  Some of the songs are actually pretty cool now that i get what it feels like to "be in love".  I quoted it cuz what i'm feeling right now probably isn't love.  But you know what i mean. :D  I used to listen to this stuff when i was like 10 or 12.  this is fun =D

currently listening to "selfish" by nsync

Encouragement

Today was... the best day i've had in a long time.  It started out kind of bad though.  I was in the mall by myself, killing time till my missions team meeting.  THen i realized that i didn't email about the meting, i only texted.  So i texted again and just reminded.  Then jennica replied and said "who is this". I was like "matt del rosario" then she was like "who are you texting. what's his or her name?" so i said, "jennica garcia. this is the number she gave me" then the person replies and says "i dont know who she is. i'm not jennica"

so that was wierd.  Then jam texts and says that she didn't know about the meeting.  Then barbie texts and says she cant come.  So then, ams shows up and says that most likely minneli wont come either.  So i was like, it's me, jasp, angel, and ams.  That's all right.

THEN, Minneli shows up! Yey! then, during the meeting, NAJEE SHOWS UP!!! BOO-YAH! hahaha.  It was awesome :)

So here's where the encouragement part comes in. At links, we were talking about encouragement, and jonnathan said something. He said that some people are like pipes and others are like buckets.  Some people just recieve encouragement and hold it in till they overflow, that's the only time you see it. Others are like pipes. As soon as they get encouragement, they pass it on right away. 

and i thought, maybe that's why i've been feeling crappy lately. I've just been holding it all in and wondering why it's not overflowing. I felt like something was wrong because it seemed like no one needed or wanted me.  I think its cuz i was bringing everyone down and "raining on their parade".

We also talked about flavors of love. hahaha. There's the kind where you are so kilig, the kind where you are crazy botu someone, the kind that's not romantic, and my fav...said by sean... the one where you love someone so much but you wish they would just die! ok, that's not my favorite, but that's the one i most relate too. haha. happened twice na to me. But let's just forget about that for now. :)

I also had the best P&W in a long time.  It was bitin pa! hahaha.  i couldn't get enough of praising God!  Especially praising God with others who were too! 

hmmmmmmm, i;m just gonna list a few of the things people have done to encourage me lately. :)

Angel! Hahaha. helped me to feel better when.. ummmm... i felt bad.  Showed me that he's not perfect either. :)

Najee told me that it actually matters to her when i ask for prayer requests. cuz a lot of the time it feels like it doesn't. But i guess to some people, it does.

Nix, nix, nix.... she's just always been there. and that's all i'm looking for, someone who is there.

Jeff! we prayed for each other on one lonely emo night! haha. remember that jeff? mabe that we like 2 weeks ago. hahaha.

well, those are the only people i've really talked to lately. But mainly it's just the feeling of knowing that i actually matter. That if i were to disappear from the earth one morning, some people would actually miss me.

So thanks guys! I hope i find a way to encourage you too. >:D< Love ya guys (in a very un-gay way!)

\m/

 

"being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. these are the BEST days of our lives"

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This is for all the things i want to post but i cant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So that's it.