just read this if you wanna (it's long though)

At the start of this weekend, i felt really bad.  I went to AG on friday expecting.. well... AG.  But what did i get? It was a rushed 5 minute AG cuz the bands needed to practice.  Then i see Saki and he goes up to Dave. Saki says, "Dave! Did you get my text? we want you to play on sunday. YOu can just join our practice tomorrow. And i just need you to do the strumming, not lead"

That kinda pissed me off cuz i've been waiting forever to play, and now that there is an opening, dave gets it. Am i not good enough? Did i suck that badly during the one and only shot i got at playing? maybe i did, but that's in the past and i can't change that.  It also kinda makes me mad that jason and jasper get to play so often. It's just cuz they're good.  That's it.  It's not about fair shots or getting your chance to serve God, it's just "we will use you if you are good". 

So then, i go to mcdo and hang out with maow and mark cuz we are waiting for micah's practice to finish.  I texted some people cuz i was really mad and hated myself again.  Angel was practicing, so i texted jeff and najee.  I think just najee replied.  So she was sorta helping me but at one point she stopped replying.  again another let down.  She bailed on me.  She didn't care for me as much as i thought she did. that's the way i was thinking at the time. so then i was more angry and more hating myself because i actually thought i could turn to this person for help, but i was wrong.

After practice, i texted angel.  She was able to help me out a bit.  She actually told me exactly what i needed to hear at that time.  Which was: "Youre a friend, that's what we do, lean."

 

Saturday rolls around and i'm at a channels meeting.  Najee shows up and she told me that she didn't bail on me the night before. just her phone is messing up.  But she wrote a text and let me read it anyway.  It basically said that sometimes we focus on the wrong things. So i thought again, What am i focusing on? is it God?

Sunday, i attended the praise and worship of the 11am and the vesper.  sat away from everyone so that i could really focus on God. 

Seans prayer at 11 really struck me.  He said, "God, we are nothing, and without you we can do nothing. and sometimes we forget that and we focus on our own strength"

I sat down while the others were standing at vesper.  I just put my head down so i could sing loud and i wouldn't disturb others.  I could hear my voice. it sucked. But God isn't listening to my voice.  Some of the lyrics really got to me. "Jesus, oh you are my treasure."  If Jesus is really my treasure, i should treat Him like it and not put Him off. "So i look to you. No one else will do." No one else will do... so i should stop focusing on everyone else. Jesus is the only one that will provide me true happiness, an everlasting joy. I actually cried a bit too.

After the P&W at vesper, i just went out and prayed and read my bible. I had already attended the service during the 8:30.  The verses i read was in 2 corinthians. It was saying something like we should give up all our sin to God and that he will be the one to help us.  It got me thinking that i've been relying on myself for everything: To prepare for meetings, to be the best i can be, to be noticed by certain people, trying to forgive some people... to much focus on me and others.

1 year i've been a trainee for the worship team. once i got to play.  At camp, i ain't graduating like angel and the others did last year.  But i guess it's ok. 

I need to keep on trusting God. That's the hard part, is not forgeting.

Camp song at Revive! exactly what i need right now...

"You're the love that never fails,

and the Saviour who died for me

Still i turn away keep running away,

only to run back to Your arms.

I take refuge in Your embrace.

Now forever I am changed.

Cuz through You're love anf through You're grace,

I am strong, I am strong

 

Cuz You're love sets me free

and Your Word is the air i breathe

and now this heart of mine

through You is revived (2x)

 

From my tears i drowned You are the one that reached for me

and now this heart of mine, beats for You alone.

Jesus, for You alone"