Great. just great. It's late at night and i have a problem. That means i won't be able to sleep for a while. What is it? well, i dont even know for sure.
It's just one of thsoe days when i wish i wasn't me. Why? Cuz i'm a nice guy. I always do the right thing, or at least i try to. I sometimes wish i was heartless careless proud guy who wasn't afraid of anything and did what ever the heck he wanted to without feeling bad. But i'm not! So what would i have done differently if i was? well, i mighta talked to someone more and not cared if the other people saw it or if she thought something of it. I probably woulda punched someone in the face and thrown him threw a glass window cuz i was pissed. How mean of me huh?
Such a loser matt. cuz you can't live life the way you know you should. YOu should not be wanting to do these things and wanting to do what's wrong. I really want God to be my everything but it's so hard. I wanna hate the world, but it;'s hard. I wanna be what God wants me to be but it is HARD.
THere are times i wanna drop all my responsibilities and take a break. But they are not responsibilities. I want to do these for God. I should want to do these for God.
I dunno. I just see myself as this really bad person right now who can't do anything right and doesn;t deserve any friends or any blessings. Why can't I focus on God and not problems or girls or the guys the girls are with! CRAP Matt. you're such a loser.
Tonight at links we were asked something like, "if you lost everything, would God be enough for you?" I answered honestly and said as of right now, no. And it felt good to be honest, but felt so bad that that was my answer. And i'm the frickin' head of the missions team right now. Where am i leading them? What can i teach them if i am like this? This sucks.
You know what else sucks, my hair is gone! haha. sorry, just thought i;d add a bit of humor to this post. hehehehe.
the truth is, there are so many different things that are just pulling my focus away from Him. I feel like i have so much on me right now and i can;t get it off. I wanna... i don't know. I guess it's also another thing that i've got all these feelings inside me that i have to get rid of. A lot of anger and a lot of envy and a lot of regret.
The worst part is no one else cares or knows how hard it is to deal with all this. (haha yeah right matt, you just posted it!) And crap, mr. "everything is perfect about me" is online.
oh man. I'm so.... yeah i know. You know what else is funny, everyone i wanted to give me a gift this year has. And still i feel llike no one cares. Shucks. I'm so .... once again i don;t know the word. i know the word! Najee and Angel and Nix tell it to me all time. I'm too hard on myself.
Man oh man. What a person i turned out to be huh? I'm sorry to everyone because i have been so wrong in what i've been saying to people and the way i've been acting. I'm really sorry also that i'm not the perfect person everyone thinks i am. Guys, let's just forget some of the things i've done or said in the last few weeks that didn;t seem right. Please, help me move on. Help me move past this all.
Thanks again for being my family. My brothers and sisters, my ates and kuyas. Thanks for lifting me up whever i feel like crap. I really thank God for all of you. i know i dont deserve any of it. You guys are the biggest blessing in my life.
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God, please help me be what you know i CAN be. Please help me to do what is right in both my actions and my thoughts. I know that i am so wrong in calling one of your creations imperfect and i am sorry. It's just i feel that way. And you know how i feel. And i know you are there to take me back right now. I wanna come bak to you for real, not just cuz i know it's right or it's what i should do. Please please please please please help me. Help me to forgive him again. Help me to forgive him too. help me to focus on you and not that other person. Help me to love you more than i love my freinds. Make yourself my everything. I WANT you to be my everything. I want to fall in love with you again and love you so much that i can;t get you off of my mind. I want to consider ou in everything i do, say, think, and feel. I want You. Just You. Not the things you give to me, but just You. You ROCK God, because you are PERFECT.
From your very sorry son,
Matt
Support, support, Matty.
ReplyDeletePlease comfort my brother-in-You, Jesus.
Come on! He can do it for you, if it gets too hard. =) Remember where to draw strength from. =)
You know, Matt. We are always here for you. In your down times and "up there" times, we'll always be here. Why? Because we're God's little envoys. Imperfect we may also be, we find fun, blessings and fellowship as we grow together in HIS likeness. (@@,)
ReplyDeleteoh my goodness. maaaatt! i remember tuloy, the first time we talked, ok, so i guess you dont remember na..haha, basta. pero grabe, that's how you feel pala..
ReplyDeletematt, sweetie, youre not a loser. you never were and never will be.:) you have Him. youre a winner na. (ok, so my reply is super labo^_^)
To Najee: Yeah i know. God really spoke to me through the 3 ygroups and vesper service i attended today =D He's already comforting me.
ReplyDeleteTo Arrow: Yup! i know that. And i wanna be here for all of you guys too
To Jamie: Our first conversation? I remember it! hahaha. We were walking back to millenium from galle and i was saying how most girls my age are immature. Didn't know you were my age pala!
Thanks guys.
matt matt ^^ one word aja!!!! =3 i got your back bro. ei the guy you hate, the guy who freakin disowned me? =p
ReplyDeleteaww matt.. :C i never knew you had - have - such a big problem on your shoulders. and hey, don't be too hard on yourself, just because you feel all those feelings - albeit most of them are negatie - just means you're human. don't punish yourself for feeling hurt and thinking bad things to happen to that certain person. the good thing is, you want to change it, and you know you can change it with His help. i'll pray for you : )
ReplyDeleteMatt!!! Well, good thing your feeling a lot better now! (cause i don't really know how to comfort you here... haha just kidding). But i'll pray for you :D, including all your prayer requests, more prayers wont hurt! (ryt? haha.) Just keep holding on to Him and keep praying, remember why you pray? :D also check James 1:12, one of my fav. verses (ya!), if might help you with some questions. Go Matt! You can do it, and if you need it, we can do it with you :D.
ReplyDeleteyup. dang. him and that other guy... you know who.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jeff and Alyssa! =D
ReplyDeleteRemember that thing I was really feeling bad about before? About losing myself and not feeling deserving of anything I had then?
ReplyDeleteThat's kind of what I understand for your post, Bro.
You really helped me a lot, then. When I thought about it, you were really really RIGHT. None of us deserve anything of what we've got: we're all sinners. But that's ok, because Jesus died for us, and everything is GRACE. Undeserved blessings.
No one's perfect, Matt. The world is filled with difficulties and hardships... But in everything we do, God is by our sides. Even if we feel He's very distant from us at a time, it isn't hard to go back to Him. Especially for you. ;) You're a really great person, Matt!!! Never forget that.
God bless you Bro! Keep on following your star. ;)
God's grace is amazing. Thanks for reminding me sis. Luv ya!
ReplyDelete^^ God IS amazing. Love ya too Bro!
ReplyDelete^^ God IS amazing. Love ya too Bro!
ReplyDelete