Staying home

Usually, i look at staying home on a weekend as a bad thing. but not today. Let me explain.

This week, we had to pack all of our things because we're moving houses.  Mark and My parents were gone from tuesday till friday so it was just me maow and micah packing. We would do school from like 11-1 and then pack till like 6pm. We did this for 3 days.

Monday - Wed I was feeling really sick but i packed stuff anyway.  Then friday we went out, which i didnt really want to do but we kinda had to. Slept really late that night too.

Then this morning we all had to go to church early cuz mark had a channels meeting. So we all went. The whole day i just wanted to rest somewhere but i couldn't.  So i went home with mark.

Tomorrow i have one of those "all afternoon" meetings of the ministry heads. I really dont wanna go to that but i have to.

I missed Nix's party today. Sorry Nix :(

I'm gonna be glad when this weekend is done. Next weekend will probably be more fun cuz there are less things to do.

(I know this is a pretty stupid blog entry but i just wanted to post anything. hehehe)

The next stage of life

When i became head of the missions team, i realized what the next stage in life is gonna be like.  When responsibilities matter more.  When messing up won't just result in a low grade or an angry parent.  Things are really starting to matter. Things are really going to matter. Being an adult, everything you do or dont do will matter.

I'll be in college next year. And yeah i'm scared about it. Why? Two reasons. First is that i've never been to regular school in my whole life. Only home school. So i dont really know what it's like.  Second is that i dont know what course i want to take.  And i know it's an important decision to make.

But let's back up for a second. Before college. I have this ACT test coming up in october.  So i'm already starting to study for it. It's kinda like the SAT. I need it to graduate HS too.  I'm scared because for the first time in my life, my studies matter more! not saying that my studies didnt matter before, it's just that they matter more now. I've forgotten most of my geometry so i have to study it all again.  :| crap. I hated that subject pa so when i was done i let it all slip from my mind. BAD IDEA!!!!!!!

I hope i do well in my studies. I hope i figure out what i want to be soon. I hope i become what God wants me to be. I hope I dont screw anything up.

Quote of the day: A hero is someone who stands up when their legs are gone - Flash the fastest man alive # 13

First time in a long time

Sometimes there are some things that i just want to post on my blog but when i get to typing it i just cant get the words out right.

So basically this is what i wanna say... I've not been happy as of late. Why? is it ok if i say i dont really know?  Cuz i dont really know.  Now this is the part where all of you go , "eeewwwww! EMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But whatever.  I guess thats why i dont really wanna tell people about this cuz i know that's what they are gonna say.

So this is what's up.  First of all, i have to pick ministries.  Ate Chette kinda wants people to focus on just 2. and at first i found that stupid cuz i like being in 4, but the more im looking at it, i see that i cant focus on all of the ministries i am in.  For sure, i'm staying with missions.  For Fellowship, It's my favorite ministry. I love it.  The way things work. The people.  It's so cool. But the Worship team is somewhere i've always wanted to be.  I want to lead people in worship. I got the oppertunity to do it last year and it was so good.  The thing is, i've been a trainee for ober a year and i'm thinking they dont really need me.  I'm not good at playing... im just ok.  Well the fellowship team doesnt really need me either. :( I dont know what to do.

Then there's this whole liking someone thingy.  That its like i wanted so badly to be over the feeling of liking someone cuz i was tired of getting all crazy over it. and then when the feeling was gone, i missed it. really bad.  There's no one that i like like. no one that makes my day seem brighter and more worth living. no one that i can pour out all my "niceness" on. No one that i want to make happy. Now, i dont really have someone i like. and i guess i dont wanna like anyone unless i have a good reason to. and at this point i dont have a good reason to.  Like i dont want a shallow reason. I've been through that before.  It's fun in the begining but if i didnt learn anything from my past mistakes, then that's stupid.  So i want to like someone for a good reason. But i dont have one yet so i dont want to like anyone yet.  But it's sad cuz i want to. Am i making sence?

SOmething that really bothers me is when people make liking a girl into a game.  Like they play around with it and play around with her.  I hate it when that happens.  I also hate it when people like other people for stupid reasons. sorry but i do.  Buz it's not a game when people start getting hurt.

Today, I saw many people that i wanted to see. I thought i'd be happy after this but i'm not. Its hard for me to talk to people lately.

Ok, actually i know why i feel this way. i havent been doing my QT lately so i'm feeling prertty far from God. I know He's always with me, but i'm not always with Him. Like i cant really hear Him as of lately. And i dont know why i havent been doing my QT cuz i know i should be.

I guess i've hit another point in my life where i have to stop feeling bad for myself and pull things together.  It's just hard to cuz i feel like i wanna give up for a while and just stay defeated before i jump back in the game. But i cant do that! I'm gonna start trying to fix things tomorrow. Hopefully the new day will bring new joys.

"Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new" - Every New Day by Five Iron Frenzy

Trumpets Play Ben dancing

Tagged by Najee

Instructions:
Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about him/herself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you've tagged tagged them in their Guestbook and tell them to read your blog.

1. I find it very fun and relaxing to cook

2. I dont like watching movies on TV. Even if it's a DVD. I only like watching them in the theater.

3. When i get REALLY into what i'm watching on TV, i shout at the TV. (only happened 3 times: Amazing Race Finals, Edge Vs Cena at NYR 2006, and Edge Vs Cena after edge won the battle royal. I CANT BELIEVE CENA KICKED OUT AFTER AN RKO!!!!!!!)

4. I can do more things in a day when i have school. During the summer it's harder to get things done.

5. I'm sentimental and keep everything, but i missplace them all the time! hahaha.

6. I dont like reading much... only if the story is really interesting.

 

I Tag:

Sjay, Luigi, Nix, Jem, Jamie, and Alyssa

 

Blender

You know how if you take a whole lotta food, and blender it, it's kinda gross right?  For example,  Soup, coke, burger, fries, egg, hotdog, adobo, pizza, icecream, etc...  If you were to drink the blended stuff, you wouldn't be able to tell apart one food from the other.  They'd just all taste terrible and like a little bit of each.  Of course you're be able to tell with likes chunks or burger and stuff. You wouldn't know what you were drinking if you didn't see what went into it.

Well let me explain my point now.  I guess my feelings are kinda like that too.  There are just so many feelings.  Some are even contradictory feelings. Mixing them all together, it's weird and i dont know what i feel.  I'm not just talking about girls here or whatever, although that's a part of it.  I'm talking about a lot of things.

There are a few feelings that i can tell what they are.  Then there are a few that i can tell what they are, but i dont know why i feel that way.  Then there are some things where i'm trying to figure out what i'm really feeling. It's hard. I know i need to figure it out, but i dont know where to start.  It's like unblendering all the foods again.  (not as impossible ad that but you get the idea).  It's gonna be hard figuring out what is what. And worse than that, why it is what it is.

It's like my common sense, my feelings, and mind are fighting.  My common sense tells me that i know exactly what i feel and i dont need to rethink it. My feelings tell me that i'm either lying to myself or i feel both things at the same time. And my mind wants to do what God wants me to do. 

sometimes i think that thinking makes it worse and just blends it more... :|

ok... that's it for now... time to start unblendering....

QT

Well... i haven't had a good queit time in a long time.  And there's no excuse for that. P Ro challenged me to read Phillippians for the next 30 days, so that's what i'm gonna try to do.

So i did my QT yesterday... it was good.  It was about the way we pray for people.  Paul had this really nice prayer that i prayed for all of my friends that morning.  It's in Phil 1: 9-11. it says "And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and prais of God"

Then my QT today was about giving God glory in all situations.  It was about Paul and how he was in prison. He said that some people are preaching more now that he is in jail, and others are preaching because they are envious of others.  But either way, God's word is being spread and Paul rejoyced for that.  And he also said to live is Christ and to die is gain.  Through living, he can give glory to God in all that he does, and through dying, he can give glory to God in heaven.  then he goes on saying that we should stand strong against all oppositions because that is how we show them that God is with us. We will never lose if we are doing what God wants us to do. What do i mean by "not lose"? I dont mean we will win all our fights. Paul got thrown in jail, beaten up, and shipwrecked a whole bunch of times.  But by not losing means that we will be able to reach our goal: Giving God all the glory.

I listened to a bunch of praise and worship music too. hehe. I did this for 55 mins.. wich even seemed bitin pa.  I guess it was the first time that God's Wrd was making sense to me in a long time.  Keeping this on my mind, about giving God glory in everything, I hope this helps me to change the way i act and the way i think.

i know this blog is kinda getting a bit long, but let me share this story to you. Last sunday, i had to man the booth for the missions team at the 11am service cuz jamie couldn't. So then i had to miss the play of the Tan brothers. And i kept telling myself it was for God. And i was ok with it.  Someone donated a box of books and stuff.  So then, i was there again at the 3 with najee.  this has been my routine for the past MONTH. sitt at the booth till past 1, eat lunch. go back at 4:00 and wait for the 3pm to end.  Then attend vesper and let someone else do the booth. Then get the money from them at the end and give it to ate chette during the week.

So for the past month i had been doing that and this was finally the last week of it.  While i was there with najee, saki and hann came. Najee asked saki to donate and he said he'll do it next week.  THen i told him this was our last week to do it na.  And he was like "but you guys said 27th was the last."  Then i realized that there was one more week pa to do.  Sit there again while all my friends get to attend ygroups and hang out after while i sit there and wait for people to give.  So then i told them i was going up na cuz the 3pm people were gone already.  Najee ran after me cuz she could tell something was wrong, so i told her i was just so tired of doing this.  When i got up out of the elevator i felt even worse. Why?  Because the whole way up i was thinking about what Paul did and what Jesus went through and here i am complaining that i cant hang out with my friends and i have top sit at a booth.  What kind of complaint is that?  It's a STUPID ONE! I felt out of place with my friends for that whole day, but i guess God was teaching me something.

How can i bring God glory through my thoughts and actions? By putting Him first and showing Him that He means as much to me as i say He does.

-Oh, ate chette told me we've surpassed our goal in the collection for the Mission Education so we wont be doing a booth next week afterall. I'd just like to thank everyone who donated because we are supporting God's workers. =) -

"All we are is Yours
And all we’re living for
Is all You are
Is all that You are"