i told her

i kinda did the stupidest thing ever. i told nix i like her.

i had missions outreach in the morning. she came. lots of people came. when we were at church, she seemed really bothered and told me that she really needs to talk to me later and that im gonna be mad at her. that really scare me, but i had to focus on the outreach first.

In the van, she and i shared her ipod. the very first song she put on was Mona Lisa by AAR. "you can sit beside me when the world comes down..." we sound tripped together. she slept on my shoulder.

then we did the outreach...but ill talk about that in another blog.

when we were in the van going back, she started to tell me that she was really scared and that she's really stupid and that im gonna be mad at her. then she started crying. and i just hugged her i the van. only the people in front of me noticed i think. i felt so....bad to see my best friend cry. not just the girl i like, but my best friend. :(

When the MT got to lunch in Mcdo, i said i needed to talk to her already there. actually this part is all a blur to me now. :P so then she talked to me...

She told me that on thursday, robin and her kissed again. in their school. then the gaurds claimed they saw. and then thats when she freaked and called me that time i was in galle.  the she told me that she lied to her dad about it straight up to his face and thats why now she has to tell him. She was really scared to tell, but she knew she had to. and then she said "we might not see each other or talk to each other for a long time..."

i dont what came into my mind. there was a short battle. tell her. dont tell her. tel her. dont tell her. i said, "nix, remember on monday in national bookstore..." ok...i dont want to tpe it na. but i told her it wasnt nothing to me. i felt something. and then i told her everything. somewhere along the lines, she cried, then i cried. But the bottom line is she knows, and she's cool with it. a little too cool with it. she doesnt like me back tho. which sucks. but  yeah. I think she was too disturbed about her own problem that she couldn't process what i told her properly.

I told her that the reason i do nice things for her is because she's my best friend, not cuz i like her. and i told her not to misinterpret my actions. i just have to control myself now and make that statement true.

We talked about the thing in 5 years. she told me the deep down she never thought it would realy happen. i did to. 20 and 24. her and me. reivauating our relationship. i dunno.

I couldn't eat na that time talaga. as in she told me to eat so that she's not the only one eating. so i bit my chicken. bit lang. :)) i didnt eat any of it. i threw my fork across the room. haaaaaaaay. we stayed and talked about everything we had to. then we went back to church, talked somemore. i asked her if she honestly ever liked me. she said she thought she did during the time she came back from the states cuz i was the only one who understood her. at least once in my life i know now that its possible for a girl to like me, even if its slight lang.

Then nix went home to study.... i felt so stupid. like such an idiot. she kissed him again. she lied to her parents. i told her i liked her. she texed me "I'm really scared. Love you too. And thanks for telling me, by the way."

I talked to justine about it, cried a bit again. talked to najee and migs about it. cried there too. :)) im such a loser talaga. why am i so focused on what i feel?

at worship, they split the boys and the girls. nix texted me and said. "okay. :? I don't want to get through the service without you. it'll be hard." this was my best friend going through the worst time of her life. and i feel like such a jerk for only thinking about myself and my stupid feelings. so i left service early to talk to her. She was crying again. she told me she was so scared to tell her dad. but i told her that it was the right thing to do and the God will be pleased with her. i prayed for her. then we hugged. and said good bye. andi felt like i would not see my best friend for a long time. i felt like i would not see or hear from my sister anymore. oh and what else was she? just the girl i like? does that really matter more than the other two things she is to me?

finally, she texted me at 10-ish...it said "Bye. Thanks for everything." no smileys. i prayed for her right there like i promised i would. i replied with "You're welcome >:D< it will be ok."

Thats it. as in i feel like thats it. i felt so heavy. like my life stopped cuz of her. cuz of her problems. cuz of my problems. my life stopped for a week. i dont know how much longer its gona be stopped.. it hurts to think of her, and i feel so useless cuz i cant help her and i cant comfort her anymore  because i have no way to talk to her.

Strong knew i was bothered. He prayed for me. i cried again.

i might see her today. God, im sorry i disobeyed. im sorry im so stupid. pls dont let nix suffer any of the consequences for my disobedience of telling her. But teach her what she needs to learn, and teach me what i need to learn.